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Posts Tagged ‘hope’

Because I want to write more…my “draft” section holds nine, half written, barely started posts.  So I’ve decided to blog about things I like to talk about, my marriage to D and something new I have wanted to try, a gratitude journal.

Whether you are married already or researching vows to use in your wedding, you’ve heard the old standby lines:

I, ______ , take you, ______, to be my husband/wife, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, (and obey,) till death us do part, according to God’s holy law.

Short of a few more personal “how I love thee” type statements and the ring exchange, that’s the gist of most vows.  Like most people, I don’t really ponder those vows on a daily basis, or even a weekly one.  Most of us think about what vows we want when planning a wedding, but once they are said, not much thought is given to them until you experience or are forced to live up to them.  Even then, many people fail to understand and even have the desire to stand by the words that are what binds us to each other as spouses.  These are the same words you longed to say to the person you chose to be with, the words that probably choked you up, brought a tear to your eyes, and the words that make your marriage your best bet to survive the good and bad of life.

I’m no saint here, I’ve said these vows more than once, the relevance and meaning at the time, for me, was no different.  I meant them, no matter who was standing next to me, when I said them.  Life, feelings, circumstances, and selfishness (you and your spouse) changes you, and lots of us don’t make it through that as graciously as we’d like to think we had.  The difference is what you learn and how you grow through those things.

Casting stones…

Big Daddy and I have almost been married for 2 years now (it has flown by, I can’t believe it), and through those 2 years we have experienced so many things that most people don’t ever have to deal with in a marriage.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all hardship, but the good times and loving family come at a price, and that price is  job changes, anxiety, insomnia, health problems, ex’s, teenagers, grandkids, in laws, children with absent parents, being forced to be an absent parent, depression, normal growing pains of a new marriage, hurt feelings and overall tough times.

For us, it’s the harder parts of the vows have shaped our marriage into what it is, and what we wanted it to be.   We are by no means rich, yet we have all we need.  Shelter, food, medicines, entertainment, animals that we love (and love us), family, friends and a home.  I wouldn’t say we are living the poorer – we are in the middle, but if you ask D we have been close a few times.  He can’t stand to have a hard day/week with the bank account, and I have to remind him that “it’s been one day that we have a small balance…we get paid Friday.”  He’s pretty funny sometimes about it, yet I am totally comfortable and happy knowing that just because we may not have money one week, we’ll be back on track next week.  It’s also amazing to not feel the strain of fighting over money.  Whether we have it or not, doesn’t change how we treat each other, it’s never been an issue.

D’s health led us to him working from home with me, not a bad trade in my book.  We have been together 24/7 for almost 1.5 years now.  Yes 24/7.  Both of us have been told and heard “I couldn’t do that, how do you do that?” (I’m on FB chatting with a friend who just said “So you’re both home together all the time. Sounds terrifying to me”) We do it because it works, because it’s comfortable, and because why would you marry someone you didn’t want to be with all the time?  When the kids are gone, when the power is out, when you’re sick, when you’re bitchy, when you’re lonely, mad, upset, when you’ve been anything other than “OK” who else do you want to be there with you?  I want him.

It’s not just D’s health that troubles us at times.  We both have our share of insomnia, anxious moments, migraines, moods, and life in general.  Through all of these things we have learned more about how to lean on one another, care for one another, love one another, trust one another, and it has only served to strengthen our bond, which carries throughout every aspect of problem solving for us.

Coming to this marriage both divorced and both with children from previous marriages was something we both signed up for, but really, you can’t prepare for something like that.  While dating we talked it out, we tried to prepare each other, and yet, the real thing is more annoying, trying, and hard to gracefully saunter through than one would hope.  Yet through it all, neither of us has turned on the other because of a situation with an ex or the parent of one of our children.  We are now and eternally, on each others side.  If that were not the case, the court, jealous ex’s, custody, lies, “secrets,” ex’s that feel they know things your spouse doesn’t, and games in general would easily shoot down any shaky relationship or one that didn’t mean those vows.

Neither of us has experienced the level of love and security we have now.  With us both being mid 30’s and having multiple marriages, that is a sad, yet accurate picture of many marriages and relationships out there.   Not only should you mean what you say, but you should be sure that the person you are choosing to say it to means it also.  There is no reason to enter into something as serious as marriage knowing that the feelings and promises do not hold as much truth to your other half as they do you.

We have made a choice not to make our marriage harder than it has to be.  With so many outside influences and “drama” already being thrown at us, we had a choice to make.  I am proud and thankful that we have chosen to enjoy each other and to have the marriage we’ve always wanted regardless of what comes our way.

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A friend shared this video today, and I watched and was confused by a few things I saw.  Watch the video here: Subway Incident Atlanta

Then check out the blog Subway Incident « Jer’s Intellectual Adventures of the guy seen pulling Wes over the ledge.  To read Jer’s account coupled with seeing him in action, his thoughts in the days after and his words to different news media shows what a great guy he is.  It also makes me wonder what I would have done, and if any of us would have thought that fast.

~Melissa

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Edit: I didn’t realize this, but if you don’t know the story, D and I went to junior high together, around 6-8th grade at the same private school.  We were not an item, but in a small school like that you know EVERYONE.  We both left the school and his family moved out of state and we did not remain in touch.  After 20 years we reconnected last year.

(Throughout this post, there are words that both Big Daddy and I said to each other in first and second week of talking via email-after phone conversations)…I read back over our first emails those weeks and it makes me smile to see where we started, and how quickly we bonded.  My statements are in italics, his are bold.  I don’t want to share too much, because I like that it’s just for us, but it makes me squee all over again to read them!

On to the post:

One year ago today (I started writing this before midnight), I was totally clueless as to what I was doing, where I was, where I was going, what I could do and what the hell I was going to do.

One year ago I friended my now Sister-in-law on FB, and tomorrow (1/11) a year ago my now husband messaged me to say “hi.”  I never thought, planned, or had any clue that a simple conversation on a social networking site would lead me to the greatest man I could ever imagine (or not have ever imagined).

On another note, I really do hate that you and I don’t live close, but I’m enjoying that it encourages talking and getting to know each other.

At the beginning of our reconnection, we talked online briefly for about 3 days.  He gave me his number after 2 days, and for the first week after that, he reminded me EVERY time we got off online chat that I “can call anytime.”  I was a bit on the slow side there.  Not for lack of wanting to, but I was in the middle of some crazy stuff and didn’t really see the need to call him if I could talk to him online.  He was patient, I called a week after we started talking on FB, and, well, we never shut up after that.  I don’t think the phone was prepared for how much we used it.

Well, enough for now. I just wanted you to know that none of our conversation was lost on me and that you have touched my life on a deep level. I truly hope this thing, whatever it may be, just keeps getting better.

There was something about talking to him, and him for me (which we discussed) that was easy, it flowed, it was like we had talked for the 20 years we hadn’t.  We had been through some major crap, each on a different level, and had stories about things, and could finish sentences about topics neither of us knew anything about in relation to the other person.  We had no lull’s in conversation, no uncomfortable pauses, no awkward goodbyes.  It was perfect, and flowed better than anything I’ve ever experienced.  He was made for me…but this was NOT the time.

Not that I’m better than anyone, but people can be selfish and use things against you – which again, we discussed.  Just know that I feel very safe being open with you and I appreciate it.

We continued to talk, and laugh, and run up outrageous phone bills on different carriers…until there was no where to go but meet up.  Oh, I forgot to say, we were 9 hours apart.  DOH!  That was planned, not by us, but by Someone higher up.  Had we not been forced to communicate, we would have never gotten off to the amazing start we did.  We would have done it the way we both had always done things and probably royally screwed it up.  Everything about our relationship was crafted for us, by Someone who knew what we needed and how much we needed it.

Truthfully, I’d be a liar if I said I’m not curious to see where things go between us. Having said that, I will always do my best to give you the truth. Even if it turns you in a direction that I don’t like.

After a few weeks, he decided to come down and visit…and I was more than happy to finally meet up and see if we “clicked” in person.  We did 🙂  It was 3 days and I was totally crushed when he left, but had a clear goal of what to do, where I was going, where I wanted to be, and where I should be heading.  In just a few short weeks (of constant talking) I was no longer lost.  It was still going to take a while, but I knew, for the first time ever, where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to be heading toward.  I can’t tell you how comforting that is.

(In response to D emailing at 5 am before going into work) I cannot always guarantee a coherent, interesting, more than two word reply at this ungodly hour, and yes, any activities in the whole world, before 10, should be banned.

One closing glimpse, then no more because it’s kinda sacred.  This is an email from D and my reply, these were all standard comments and a good representation of how much we clicked.  I love it!  This was a few days before he came to visit for the first time.

Good morning Beautiful,

I just wanted to tell you how much last night meant to me. It was pretty intense and kinda out of the blue, but I’m glad we talked.

It dispelled a lot of my fears and made me much more comfortable. With a few cats out of the bag I feel like you know me a lot better as a person and a man.

This is all on fast forward, but God knows I am loving every second of it. My heart swells just thinking of you. And I am always thinking of you…

Well, have a good day Baby and know that you are on my mind and in my heart.

D

Good morning handsome:)

Your emails waiting for me when I wake up mean more than you know.  You’ll always be able to make my day start better with little things like that…so feel free to keep doing it!

I enjoy our talks at all times, and when they go off into deeper subjects, like last night, it shows that we are much more than just casual conversation.

I can’t promise, yet, that there aren’t things that either of us won’t like, or understand about each other, or that we won’t have to work through or compromise on. But I can assure you that there’s not much you could throw at me that I won’t understand or haven’t dealt with in my own life.  I think, at our age, we aren’t new adults starting out a relationship with blinders on thinking love conquers all. It can, but it takes a shitload of patience, understanding and confidence along with love to get through life and past any speed bumps.  There’s a reason we didn’t talk until this point in our lives, and I’m sure it was so we could both be prepared for where we are now and ready to handle each other:)

I’m here, I wanna be here, and I want to get to know everything about you, good, bad and weird… will return the favor, and feel like you are on the same page.

~Mel

Just one year ago, I was not the same person I am now.  I was not as happy, had no idea that I wasn’t as happy as I could be, and didn’t know the first thing about how to be happy.

Our first Christmas!

While no one should be responsible to make YOU happy, there are people that are put in our lives to help us achieve what we are supposed to be.  God uses others to bring us where he sees us and wants us.  I firmly believe, and know that God gave D and I to each other.  I can’t speak for him, but I can say that we were both not emotionally or mentally where God wanted us to remain.  We were not sent to “fix” each other, but to compliment and bring the other comfort, love, happiness, and support to lift the other up to a place neither of us has experienced.

I am fully thankful and beyond blessed that I trusted and did everything I should have to get to where I am now.  It was not by my own doing, but my willingness to be open and trust God has given me more than I could have ever imagined.

Here’s to LOTS more years with D, and I can’t wait!

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This was very easy to answer, not fun to type and as honest as it gets.  It’s every parent’s nightmare.

Bury my children.

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Don’t call us, we’ll call you…or not.

YAY!!!!!!! A fun one!

I hope to do lots of things:

  • travel somewhere tropical (with no kids)
  • feel confident that I’m doing all I can in my spiritual life
  • have my dad meet my kids (he’s already met C, but not J)
  • build a custom house
  • have a grandbaby
  • REALLY learn how to bake from scratch (I cheat sometimes)
  • finish all of my craft/hobby projects

Oops, they just asked for one.  Eh, who cares, it was quick and painless.

~Mel

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