Posts Tagged ‘God’

There’s a special occasion today, and for one day, I’m going to open up a bit about what it is I/we do…read on.

I have known, for years now, that my husband is amazing.   I have even blogged about it on a few occasions.  The times that I find myself thinking what a great husband and man he is are far more than the times I question his actions or intentions.  I’m not trying to imply that he’s perfect, as we all have our moments, but more often than not, to me, he is.

I don’t discuss business on here, but for those that don’t know, we work together from home.  It’s been a lifesaver when children are sick, or there are school functions, or when you just don’t feel like going to “work.”  For us it has blessed our marriage by allowing us to truly get to know each other and bond.  That bond translates to better parenting, better family ties, us being happier, and has allowed us to make a stronger team against outside forces.  We all face stress, trials, and attacks from the outside world and un-Godly forces, and the ability to be confident in your partner and know you have someone that has your back is the best gift you can give yourself and your spouse.  We often get questions ranging from “how do you spend ALL DAY together” to “do you really enjoy being around each other that much?”  The answer is the same from either of us…yes, most certainly.   My business partner respects me, backs me up with tough clients, steps in when I’ve had enough of someone, and is amazing in his work ethic and ability to land clients.   There is no one I’d rather spend all day with.

So, with that preface, I’m proud to announce that D has become a weekly blogger on a Christian website!  I am proud of him for being a provider and I’m proud that others view him as the strong business man, and man of God he is.  You will quickly see, in his writing, that he has a gift for words and conveying a message that hits home.  Please share it as we want him to have the opportunity to be a blessing to as many people as we can reach.  There is always the possibility that there are business minded people that want information, and if it’s presented in a Christlike manner two efforts can be accomplished in one manner.  The Christian Work At Home Ministries site is a great tool for learning about building business, working from home, and glorifying God in our lives.

So, with that introduction, please check him out at the link below, and be sure to follow us on Facebook and check back weekly at either link for his business blog entries!

Love those eyes…Oh, sorry. Serious marketing pic here.

Click here for his first post – What brought me home!

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It’s late, and quiet.  D is sleeping, YAY!  He’s been dealing with insomnia, so we are thankful when he sleeps at night.  Yeah, I know you don’t care…let’s move along.

I started 2 other posts tonight, one on Entitlement and one on Change.  Neither of them flowed out, and from experience that means I have tons to say…it’ll come when it’s ready.   I also wanted to start writing more about gratitude and being thankful for things in my life.  This blog will never be updated daily, I think that’s boring, I don’t even want to know what happens with me every day, so I’m sure you have better things to do.  I can feel that I have lots going through my head and need to get some of it out, let’s see where this goes.

Seems lately that I’ve been involved in more than one “heated” debate about a few things.  Girl Scouts, fathers shooting up laptops, Planned Parenthood, Susan G Komen, breastfeeding, Whitney Houston and the flag, Obama,  and gay rights to name a few.  I’m NOT getting into that here, and if you try to hijack my post I’ll delete your comment…I don’t really care what your thoughts are about any of that, so there.  I’ve realized through those conversations, mainly on FB, that people often forget their manners and basic home training when they realize someone doesn’t agree with them, and *GASP* they aren’t listening to their side or better, changing their minds.  It amazes me how full of themselves people are, there is a difference in standing up for your beliefs or a cause and being a pushy, childish idiot.  I actually unfriended 2 people, and was unfriended by 3 people over more than one conversation in the last few months…actual friends, not FB friends.

I find nothing wrong with stating your side, arguing your side, believing in whatever you believe in.  In fact, if you don’t stand up for what you think is right, then what’s the point?  I don’t want to be your friend if you have no opinion on anything.  For real.  I enjoy a good debate/talk/discussion about anything.  What I don’t enjoy is people attacking others for a random statement, or when you’ve stated your side and I’ve stated mine and I don’t succumb to your views.   What kind of world would this be if we all agreed on everything?  Boring.  Even in the home D and I don’t agree on stuff, hell we don’t agree on how to load the dishwasher, or what temperature to keep the thermostat at.  You can ask him…I love to discuss how wrong his way is, and I know full and well I’m not changing his mind on it, but I have to state my case.  I don’t expect to change anyone’s mind…but once you are informed of both sides, yours and the opposing one, and I have given reasons, and support for my views, the ball is in your court on what to do with the information.  Does it not occur to people that if you wouldn’t change your mind to agree with me, then no amount of your disagreeing with me is going to change mine?

Judge not, lest ye do it correctly.

That goes twice for my religious beliefs.  The morals/beliefs/Biblical principles I was raised to believe and choose to believe as an adult trump your argument that you are a good person.  Being a good person is not a principle, it’s a characteristic we should all possess, and as harsh as it sounds, no, that alone won’t get you into heaven.  Not my rules…don’t whine to me.   I’m tired of people using the counter that religious beliefs are unfair, or against our commandment to love one another and judge not.  We are to love the person, not the offense, and there are times when you are allowed to judge – study your Bible.  Why is it that non-Christians can’t just present the information needed and then hush?  I wonder why you so vehemently have to defend your views if you feel they are right, can’t you just sit back and know you are right?  I make it a point to not argue, but to find backup for whatever I’m stating.  If that means you keep disagreeing with what is said, then have fun with that, I’m not God…I don’t have to deal with you after I’ve done my part.   To inform someone on a topic where there is a Biblical disagreement (or someone that doesn’t acknowledge the Bible) is different than presenting information on something you are passionate about.  Passion is not commanded in the Bible, a non-Christian can just sit back and think they are right all day long and you won’t go to hell any faster than if you argued about your side all day long.  However, for someone that is religious/following God’s commandments, we are to spread the word and share it with those that are lost.  One problem is that in our society too many people think that doing good is enough, they don’t feel lost.  My view is that if you are supporting things that are against God, then you aren’t informed of what He said.  If you are informed and not following what He said, then I have even MORE of a duty to help you see the light since you have chosen to ignore it.  I can’t sit back and go “eh, let him be wrong…no biggie.”  You may not understand the difference, but when you are a Christian there is a huge difference in what you can and cannot ignore.  Being a Christian does not afford me the luxury of being silent while others sail along their own river of demise.

My goals for getting involved in the topics on FB were to be informative, have conversation and because I like to be heard (shocker).   I TRY to use articles, proof, facts or anything that backs up my view when involved in a heated discussion.  It seems though, that others like to just get involved to disagree, and try to strong arm others, or belittle them when there is a minority present and they have backup.  I’m always amazed at the things people throw out there with no proof or backup and then further stunned when they act offended when you ask for the basis of their statement.   Does no one know that we aren’t all idiots and don’t just accept what we are told?   When did it become ok to just take things as truth?

I’m really not surprised by much anymore on FB (or in life), it’s almost daily that someone posts some annoying picture on FB or via email about a warning or “support” whatever by reposting this hurt child/dog/military/medical/gang initiation picture.  Can you tell how much that stuff bothers me?  Why is it that people that know they are sending information out just hit “share” without checking the validity or using common sense before further spreading things that are old, false, or just plain do NOTHING to show your support for XYZ cause?  Want to show support for battered women?  Go volunteer at a shelter.  Want to support the troops?  Write letters, send care packages, say thank you.  Want to support equal rights?  Vote, go volunteer at the organization of your choice.  STOP re-posting pictures and thinking you’re actually doing something good.  The problem with FB and email forwards is that it gives people a false sense of doing something…and then no one is doing anything.  Oh, I posted this picture of a flight attendant with a feel good story about some old mean white lady complaining about an Indian man on her flight…so I’m not a racist and I’m a good person.  No you aren’t, you didn’t check to see that that story was FAKE, has been circulating for years, and just gets changed depending on what flavor of the year is on our radar as the “unwanted” race.  Don’t give me that crap about how “it’s a good moral, who cares if it’s real or not?”  I DO, and so do most people.  What about the moral of getting off your butt and actually supporting something?

I’ll hush on that front, I think you get the point.  Don’t share stuff if you didn’t see it, and you didn’t research it to find out if it’s real.  We aren’t going to stop for a baby seat on the side of the road, we were warned of that via email 8 years ago.  I promise not to go around licking the tops of cans because someone may have laced them with cocaine…I learned my lesson the summer of ’02.  If Apple/Coke/Microsoft/FB is going to start charging, or will give me a free anything for sharing or clicking, they need a better AP/AR department, because they’ve been saying they were going to do that for years now.  Hang on, I have to give this Nigerian man my routing number…Blessings to you too.

Oh, I got off topic.  Not sorry.  It just seems that we have lost common sense.  We have forgotten that social media is just that, social.

so·cial [soh-shuhl]


1.pertaining to, devoted to, or characterized by friendly companionship or relations: a social club.
2.seeking or enjoying the companionship of others; friendly; sociable; gregarious.
3.of, pertaining to, connected with, or suited to polite or fashionable society: a social event.

4. living or disposed to live in companionship with others or in a community, rather than in isolation:

Yes, you can stand up for what you believe in, you can support a cause, you can share your likes and dislikes, and you can be whatever religion you want to be.  You should refrain from pissing people off, ruining your friendships, or being overall douchy when someone doesn’t believe what you do.  If you’re going to do those things, then you’ll quickly find yourself in need of more friends and no one to be social with.

I blog better with tunes…tonight’s awesome playlist courtesy of SiruisXM 90’s on 9 and The Pulse:
Des’ree – You Gotta Be
Poison – Something to Believe In
Tupac – California Love
The Offspring – Pretty Fly (for a white guy) – why does he say 5 two times?
Train – Hey Soul Sister
Greenday – Basket Case
Len – Steal my Sunshine
Billy Idol – Cradle of Love
The Fugees – Killing me Softly (with his song) – 2 times
En Vogue – Free Your Mind
Matchbox 20 –  3 am

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Well, we all know I love talking about marriage, and submission/love.  It’s not that I dwell on it, but it always interests me to hear how other women view it.  There are so many women out there, married, single, Christian, non-Christian, happy, sad, all kinds that all have questions or have different variations on what they believe and practice when it comes to marriage vows/commandments in the Bible.

I’ve posted many blogs on it, if you haven’t read them here’s the links:
Husbands love your wives (more than just a little)
Submission…when he’s lovin’ you better be submittin’

This is what I think most women that don’t agree with submission view it as. Truth is, it’s much more than that.

Last time I posted a blog about it this conversation ensued on my FB page.  I’ve changed our real names, but it was with a friend who decidedly disagrees with me, at least that’s what I thought at first.  In the end, I realized that she’s been hurt before, and like most women, has changed her mind about how a marriage should work.  I am ever grateful that she opened up and allowed me to ask her some questions to further understand her.

  • HERE WE GO! (It is edited for names, irrelevant content and length – yes, it was longer)
    • MM I read your blog. I don’t disagree with what you are saying… but I don’t agree either. It could be that I was raised by hippies…. it could be that I have HUGE feminist viewpoints, or it could be that I’m just one big ol’ control freak. I’ve always felt that any partnership is equal.. with both parties pitching in, in all areas of the relationship. I truly don’t think I would ever be able to let go and just let someone lead me.
    • Mel Our marriage is very equal – ask Big Daddy. I think most non-Christians feel like you do. I don’t even know if you are a Christian…I’m just going with what I hear(in your words)! As always, everything doesn’t work for everyone!
    • J What does Christian versus non-Christian have to do with it…did I miss something? And the term “Christian” is veryyyy subject to interpretation and some interpretations are quite interesting. I’m not arguing…I’m asking because I’m curious.
    • MM you make a good point J. I’m not trying to argue either… just found it very interesting. oh, and I’m a christian. 😉
    • J I’m not…but I promise I’m a long way from a heathen devil worshiper, too.
    • Big Daddy Equality and submission are more closely linked than most would think. The christian vs non-christian is more of a point of view of the situation in general. Following biblical doctrine is why Mel is submissive. So if you don’t follow the teachings of the bible, your view point is completely different than her’s.  I actually seek her council on most everything, so it isn’t like I am “Lord of My Domain.” When she is submissive to me and I am submissive to God, then she is submissive to God through me. Believe me I always have her best interest in mind. Part of being submissive to God is having the best interest of her and the kids before any of my wants or desires.
    • Mel Sorry, I’m not answering, I’m over here doing family tree! D can answer for me…not because he rules but because I’m busy:)  Or they could read the other post about your duty to God and me! https://justalittlemel.wordpress.com/2010/10/08/husbands-mine-especially-love-your-wives-not-just-a-little/Check that, his commandment is much harder in my view!
    • Mel J, I say Christian/non-Christian, because it’s normally a huge difference if you don’t believe as a Christian does. It’s not any reference to who is better, simply the belief system/chain of command of a marriage is different between the two.
    • MM Very interesting. I thank your husband for his input. 🙂
    • Big Daddy If you really look at it, I am submissive to my family and especially my wife. The word seems to have a bad connotation, but anytime you put someone before yourself you are being submissive to their wants, needs and desires. It’s what we do every day for the ones we love. It’s an exchange of respect.
    • Mel Not to mention, if you don’t want to read that other post…he has to love me…he’s commanded to. All the time, no matter what, even to the extent of making me happy and taken care of BEFORE himself. What’s not to like there? MM – I would love to ask you some things without offending you…just to hear your take – is that ok?
    • MM Absolutely! go for it, and… for the record… my responses are not to offend anyone. Just my opinions. 🙂
    • Mel YAY! OK. So most people I hear from on this topic are either:a) not Christian, which I think makes a huge difference on how you view the household chain of command (God, husband, wife, kids)
      b) men who just want their wives to shut up and listen
      c) Christian and agree with me.You stated you are a Christian and don’t see how you could let go and let someone lead you. I’d like to know what vows you used, and without sounding mean, did those include “love, honor, obey” or anything with biblical reference in your vows or how did you come to agree to vows to use in your ceremony? I guess what I’m asking is, being Christian, do you choose not to believe those verses (mentioned in the blog) or what’s your take on that part of the Bible? What do YOU view submission as, and how do you view the alternate command that your husband “love your wives as Christ did the church.” Do you feel your husband should love you that much, in the way that Christ did – dying for our sins?That’s pretty much it, I would also like to add, that when I was single and a mom, working full time, and doing everything…I felt VERY much like you. I couldn’t imagine letting go of the reins – nothing would have gotten done. I can make decisions, I can call all the shots, I can multitask, and I always think my way is the best way, we are women…it’s just how we are. That has not faded a bit! Someone said that women shouldn’t be submissive because when and if the husband ever leaves or dies she will have no clue how to handle life. I’ve been divorced and had a husband die…both not fun, but unless you are remedial, you can handle life. I have willingly given things to D that I used to stress over, or hate doing, or not want to do that I had to do…and now, I get to relax and enjoy life and things that I couldn’t before because I have a partner and husband that handles things for me. It’s quite freeing to not HAVE to handle everything!
    • Mel Oooh girl…. I’m going to have to smoke first. 😉 give me a few minutes.
    • Mel LOL, I hope that didn’t come across bad, I am truly asking. Just as many people don’t see how I or anyone could “agree” to submit, I want to know different views.
    • MM Ok…. here we go!! 🙂 Well… when I was married (getting a divorce I asked for) our vows said “to love and honor.”  I specifically omitted “obey” for a reason. See… we were originally going to get married in a catholic church. However, we had to do this like 500 question test thingy. In this test, it had as one of the questions “the MAN will be the head of the household…. agree or disagree” I not only circled disagree a 1000 times, I put “not a chance in hell.”  Of course, that got flagged by the priest. He asked me why. I told him what I told you earlier. He said what you said earlier. I said that I feel it should be 2 people working together to accomplish one goal. He said you can’t do that without leadership… I agreed and said God will lead us and together we battle the decisions. We got a letter later that week telling us the priest refused to marry us b/c I needed to prove to him “on a constant and continuing basis” that I was a good catholic. Yeah… that didn’t go so well for me. I have a sailor’s mouth… but I digress.  In my opinion, the Bible is viewed differently by each person who reads it. Take for instance some of the Morman’s believe that polygamy is not only the right thing to do…but the ONLY way… and God’s way. While having another gal around the house to do the cleaning and laundry would rock… I couldn’t see my husband sleeping with another woman. EVER. I’m too jealous for that. So, to them, I’m not living the way of God.
    • Mel Again, just asking questions here, and if it’s not something you wanna answer say so, and D said to make sure you know I’m not questioning your “Christian-ness” at all. I’m asking what you believe. Also, if you’d rather answer NOT on here, I’d be fine talking in PM. Got it, was it THAT guy or just anyone in general you don’t feel is “qualified” to be the head besides you? Where does your belief that it’s ok NOT to agree with the man as the head come from? Meaning do you feel there is some biblical backup for what you believe?I agree with what you said, 2 people under God’s leadership – hence what I said about if I didn’t like how D handled something I have backup…he has to be in line with God, and if he’s not, I go to God, I can go OVER D’s head. I guess it comes down to what you feel you can handle as a couple, and what you are ok with, I’ve just never known a Christian woman that openly said she didn’t agree with the verses, so thank you for letting me ask:)  I totally love Sister Wives…we watch it every week and on Netflix. I see an issue with that though, where Kody has said that he thinks it’s sickening and vile to imagine one of his wives with multiple husbands…really? However, that is their belief system, I also don’t believe in the book of Mormon, so I don’t know what it says but I do know what the Bible says, and Catholic or Baptist (or whatever) we use the same Bible…that has the same verses, so I wanted to know the…um…justification for not agreeing with it on the submission part.
    • MMMy husband took me for granted.. practically ignored me and I spent 12 years of my life trying to make it work b/c I do (or did) not believe in divorce. I signed up for this deal. I prepared to share my life with someone forever. I spent 12 years feeling more alone in a marriage than I did when I was single. So… as hard as it was for me… I left him. Shortly after. I met a most amazing man. He loves me, my kids and we take amazing care of each other. I believe God put him in my path. Is our situation ideal? Hell no. Would have this been the path I chose for myself? Hell no. However… I feel because I didn’t just submit and resign myself to “this is my life” and submit to my husband… I was given a new lease on life. I feel as if I tried every avenue with my husband to make it work, to make us (or should I say myself) happy. I guess that’s how I feel about the submitting to your husband thing. I feel that doing so…. you can loose a part of yourself by working so hard to please someone else. I feel I lost a bit of ME by trying so very hard to get him to be pleased with me. (which… I’m a HUGE people pleaser by nature and that’s not always a good thing).

      Now that I’m with this new person… I “spoil” him as I call it. He’s treated like a king. And equally, I’m treated as a queen. However… if we were to ever get married, I’m positive we would do things as a team. I want as much input as he does. And no one gets the final say. Not that I don’t trust him. I feel that we are both walking down this path together and we can both show each other the flowers and amazing things that we each see from our sides of the road. I want to learn from him and vice versa. I don’t feel that can happen if one person has the final say… even if it’s been discussed first. I’m sure a lot of that has to do with my upbringing. My parents discussed everything together. They also weren’t really into the whole religion thing. Ever really. (as a side note… I ALMOST became a nun. For real.) So, my examination of the bible tells me that what I do for my boyfriend is how I should be doing it. That’s my interpretation.
    • Mel We are very alike. I was in a relationship for 9 years, married for the last 3…he was a non-Christian and did not exhibit any type of leadership besides “you should do what I say.” I did not submit simply because he did not lead…had he led and not just demanded I do what he said, it would have been fine. I did all I could to make that marriage work, in the end he chose to try to cheat…I left. I do not allow anyone to treat me bad, there is no excuse for it. I met D, and we clicked immediately. He was a gift from God. (See ,we are alike) However, I was most ready and able to submit because D leads because he is led. He does not simply sit around telling me to clean and cook him dinner and shut up. He provides guidance and we together provide a happy home. I know happy homes can be achieved in other situations than ours. I feel like I gained back SO MUCH OF ME, because I am free to be me with D…and know I am loved through all of my “me-ness.”  Thank you for your insight! I wish you all the best in your marriage, and encourage you to step a little outside and see if it could be even better with the good man you have now!  Don’t be offended, but I think you have a submissive heart and don’t want to label it as that. There are not any differences in you and me through what you have said, except I admit to agreeing with the verses. I can’t tell you how many times my idea is the one we go with after talking about something. More often than not, D says “you know, you are right, I think this is how we should handle ____.” And it was my idea! We council each other. Submission has nothing to do with him having the “last word.” It’s about how I act/react to him.
    • MM I’m a hell of an enigma. But I LOVE talking about this. It is interesting and I get to learn something about others! 🙂 I think my reactions depend on the person I’m with. And I definitely don’t do labels. Except freaking AWESOME. Just because I am. ;)‎(and it takes a LOT to offend me)
    • Mel Me too! I really don’t see one bit of difference in our relationships or even our backgrounds (I was raised strict Baptist – no pants, no rock music). I think that there are some women, like yourself, who don’t truly “get” the submit and what it means. Or have been through a bad relationship and use that. You can ask anyone to describe me…headstrong and bossy is top of the list. D calls it “forceful opinions.”
    • MM  ROFL… I call it “my way or the highway.”  The only tattoo I have I got when I was 19. It’s a yin yang. It’s suiting for me. It shows balance, equality and that’s how I feel about all of my relationships.
    • Mel So, that is why I say I don’t think people “get it” it’s not about being shy, quiet, meek and mild…it’s about how to treat him and how he treats you. Also, to reference your post about your ex – I said it in the blog, and an old blog…you are not responsible to submit to someone who is devastating you. It is not a commandment to suffer. When you are with a man who looks to God, and loves you so much that he does everything for YOUR good and your betterment…there is no suffering or devastation. As I said, D is here as an extension of God’s love for me, he takes care of me in a human capacity as he is led by God. To me that is just amazing and I don’t get how someone could not want that?

I will say that I feel, after reading again and again (for editing), that my main question was not answered.  I’d love some input and answers from those that feel willing to do so.

My question is: if you are a Christian, and choose NOT to like/believe/live by/adhere to the submission part of your marriage, how do you justify that?  How do you just ignore those verses?  Also, do you feel your husband should love you as he is commanded to, if you do not believe in submission?

I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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This is a second piece, in what I can only assume is going to be an ongoing topic, on my blog.  The first post I did about this was Husbands Love Your Wives (not just a little) and speaks about the Ephesians passage.  I’ve updated this with the third post To submit…or not to Submit.  When I started blogging I didn’t know what I was going to write about, or how often.  I just do it as it comes and it seems that this topic comes up often in my life and those around me.  From Facebook posts to Michelle Bachmann, it seems too many people don’t get it.  So, since you’re here and reading, let’s get going.

I kid with the title, kinda, but it was meant to be funny.  I in no way think or believe God commanded us as wives to submit, no matter what.  So, don’t start with me on the non-Christian husband, the one who doesn’t respect you, the one who doesn’t treat you right and argue that you don’t have to submit because he doesn’t act right.  I’ll cover my thoughts on that (and you probably won’t like them) at the end of this post.

The main reason I love talking about this subject is to testify to how well a home works when it’s run the proper way.  The proper way being when you have a man that looks to God for his leadership, a wife that looks to her husband for leadership and children who know they have parents that love and care for them, and more importantly that love and respect each other.  Yes, this can be achieved sometimes outside of a Christian home, but more often than not, it’s neglected and unattainable in that forum.  I have plenty of friends that don’t get how “submitting” is in their best interest, or that can’t imaging allowing their husband to call the shots.  To that I ask – if you don’t think he’s smart enough or a good enough leader to call the shots why did you marry him?  Seems like a huge lack of good judgement on your part.  I’ve said it before, D has proven more than once before we married that he was quite capable of making good, correct, sensible decisions, and that his ideas were worthy of me agreeing to submit and hand him the last say/control in our relationship.  Ultimately God is the one calling the shots in our marriage, but since there are 3 of us in this boat, there’s got to be a chain of command.

There is more than the Ephesians passage to support the order of the Christian household.  I’m not going to cover the husbands role in full again, because I want to really get into the command the wives receive in these passages.  We see in the following verses that it’s not just one passage, for this post I’ve pulled four that I will discuss and reference all from my favorite translation the King James Version (KJV).  I am going to discuss just the verses with the submit reference, but encourage you to read the rest of the passages because they speak volumes as to WHY you should have a submissive heart/attitude.

Here’s the first one we’ve all heard:

Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

A second to help remind you:

Colossians 3:18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. 19Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. 20Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. 21Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

Didn’t like those two?  Let’s try another approach:

Titus 2:3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; 4That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

Really?  It’s not a suggestion, it’s a direction, stop questioning it already.

1 Peter 3:1 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. 3Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; 4but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. 5For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; 6just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

I really don’t know what to say if you don’t like that.  It’s quite clear how we as wives are supposed to act and interact with our husbands, but, let’s look and discuss.

As Christian women we have no issues submitting to the Lord (Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord).  I believe we can all agree to that.  He loves us, listens to our prayers, answers them, chooses not to sometimes, has mercy, shows us He cares and ultimately we feel His presence in our daily lives, what’s not to like here?  We trust in Him.  After years of bad relationships, starting a career, living life, waiting for the “right one” and countless other reasons we should now thank God that we have a good Christian man. I know in my own life God has more than earned the respect and love we are to give Him.  He brought this man to you, He’s given you a partner to be here with you so you can FEEL that love, comfort, caring, burden sharing, leadership, and enjoy life with someone.  Not at all that God feels or thinks He alone isn’t enough, but He knows what we as women need, a partner, a leader, a lover, someone to tend to us and make us happy, God wants us to be HAPPY!  How much is it to ask that you respect, listen to, confer with and submit yourself (head, heart and body) to that man that He chose for you?  Not much I say.

Maybe we should clear up what submission/submitting means.

Submit: verb (used with or without object)

1.to give over or yield to the power or authority of another (often used reflexively).
2.to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.
3.to yield oneself to the power or authority of another: to submit to a conqueror.
4.to allow oneself to be subjected to some kind of treatment: to submit to chemotherapy.
5.to defer to another’s judgment, opinion, decision, etc.: I submit to your superior judgment.

Submission is not once described as mindless following, doing whatever you’re told, having no say, having no voice.  None of the definitions even remotely sound like most of the arguments I’ve heard against submission.  It’s simply what we as humans have wrongly come to interpret this one word to mean.  In God’s plan, submission is simply about giving yourself, as a willing partner to the man He chose to place above you in the chain of command of your home.  Just as there are bosses and employees, too many cooks in the kitchen, too many chiefs and not enough Indians – there has to be order.  If you’re trying to call the shots and your husband is trying to do his God assigned duty and call the shots, things aren’t going to be cohesive.

Wrong...try again.

So far there has only been once that I felt strongly that D was acting against how he should or acting in an unloving way.  I won’t get into incriminating myself specifics, but I may have played a part in his reaction…or not.  Truthfully, it was a mixture of me feeling that he was not holding up his end of the bargain and him feeling that I was undermining/disrespecting him in my reaction to that.  We were both wrong, and still he would argue that I was the cause, and I would point out that he “did” the deed in question for me to react inappropriately.  Which brings me to my point here, if he decides to act in an unloving way that doesn’t afford me the right to do the same and throw God’s plan out the window.  The opposite is true.  I am not free to tell him off, or take over, jump ahead in line, or treat him any differently than God has told me to just because he has forgotten his duty to me.  I CAN speak lovingly and inform him that I disagree with how he is treating me, or how he is talking, and that I believe he is going against the plan.

Barnes states this on the matter:

(4) if she is constrained, however, to differ from him, it should be with mildness and gentleness. There should be no reproach, and no contention. She should simply state her reasons, and leave the event to God.

In other words, if I disagree with D (because he is being mean, or rude, or not leading in a Godly manner), I have a backup plan.  God.  Since D has someone to answer to also, if I disagree or don’t like something I am more than free to pray and ask God for His guidance.  I don’t know how much more absolute you can get when looking for the correct answer.  The bottom line is that if D isn’t cutting it for me, he better hope he’s acting right because he answers to someone way more powerful than he or I am in our relationship.  I do have backup!  There are clear limits and rules over the husband and a huge responsibility on him to lead with my best interest at heart.  If he doesn’t, he’s going to have some ‘splaining to do.

In the beginning I said I would address the women who question the absoluteness of the plan.  I do not condone or think anyone should stay with an abusive man, or with a man who does not wish to live in alignment with God or the Bible.  I think there is always a limit to what one should put up with in any relationship, friendship, family dynamic etc.  You allow people to treat you bad…or you don’t.  If it’s not changing, and if someone is not trying or does not wish to learn how to be in a relationship/marriage the right way, then I believe it’s time to seriously re-evaluate whether you need to be there or not.  However, if you choose to stay there, then yes, you should still act in submission – see the following verse (again).

1 Peter 3:1 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.

All Christian women know, and even non-Christian women can see clearly that men, tall-short-big-little-loving-happy-unloving-sad-Christian-working-non-Christian-unemployed men, all beam with pride when they know they have earned the approval and have pleased a woman.  Do you want your man to do something more than once…thank him and praise him the first time he does it.  The look on a man’s face when a woman is proud of him, when she supports him, when she looks to him, listens to him, asks him his opinion, listens to his words, praises his decisions, loves him, respects him, wants him to be a good man, and brags to those around her about how wonderful a provider and partner he is…that look, that pride he feels, is no mistake in God’s plan.  A man that feels the love and respect of his wife can and will do anything to make her happy, to keep seeing that reaction and feeling that emotion.  There is no quicker way to defeat a man than to let him know you are disappointed in him or that you don’t think he is worthy of your respect and worthy to lead you or your family.  If you are looking for the queen treatment there is also no better way to get loved and protected, and to be lifted up as wives should be according to God’s plan, than by submitting to your husband.

I’ll leave you with another wife’s interpretation of what submission means in her marriage.  I think she is dead on also.

I am in full agreement with Barnes and his interpretation on the Ephesians passage.  I may continue with more on his notes, but I think we’ve learned enough for today…get to submittin’!

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I’m really slacking on keeping a journal (via blogging) to help with my anxiety.   Since I was down for the count for that week, and I feel better in that regard, it’s hard to take time to write about things when I don’t feel “bad.”  I don’t feel it creeping up, but there are times that I think to myself that I need to get something out of my head.  That alone is progress.  I don’t normally have rational thoughts about my feelings, I tend to just hold them in and make do, or portray that I’m making do.

In the last 2 days it’s hard not to feel like I’m slacking more because I was the one that prodded encouraged D to start blogging to help him get things on paper and allow him to sort through the things he kept going over in his head about B.  Needless to say, it’s been 48 hours since he started typing, and as I type this, he’s on his 8th blog post.  Talk about overachieving.  I’m kidding, he needs this, and we need this.  He needs it so he can allow things to come out of his head so he can work, sleep, eat and be functional.  The last week at our house was rough on all those things.  We need it because it’s allowing him to let things out and know that I encourage these thoughts and feelings because it’s good for him.  It’s also allowing him to work through things better when he sees it on “paper” because he knows he can come back and think about it whenever, so it’s not something he has to dwell on.

I’m off track, as awesome as he is, this was about me!  Settle in, you know I type a lot.

We have been talking for a few months, and D and I were both raised in private/Christian school, so we both agree that it would be a great opportunity for J.  We had found one school, through a neighbor that taught there, and to make the long story short, J’s dad shot that down because they aren’t accredited (which isn’t as important as most people think), and they aren’t doing 8th grade next year anyway.  So, we were fairly resolved to sending her back to her school and trying to find a private one for high school.  Last week while driving to Lowe’s hardware (an anxious time for me), we passed a small church about a mile from our house, and they had just put up a banner announcing sign ups for their private school!  We wrote down the website on the way home and I immediately went to it, read all about it, and the next day called and made an appointment for us to go talk with the administrators.   J got home last Thursday, and we told her about it, she was thrilled…ok, I’m lying.  She didn’t really care, her first questions were “what about my friends, do they have uniforms, how many boys go there?”  Once we told her to hush answered her valid questions she was content to go to the appointment (mostly because school is 4 days a week).

Now, we have all read about my anxiety (and if not click the “anxiety” category over here ——>), and we all know that it just comes when it wants.  After the Lowe’s trip last week, D made the statement that he has general anxiety (he has “off days” where he feels off balance and on edge), and I have situational anxiety (once I’m removed from the place/situation/emotion – I’m totally fine).  I don’t know which one is worse.  Most of his days he’s absolutely fine, I’m actually jealous that he can get in the car and go somewhere alone, without a second thought.  However he endures an entire day/days where he just feels like ass.  I am generally fine, at home, at friends houses, in public places that are easy to get out of.  If we go to a new place, or a big (Walmart, Lowe’s, mall) I am a hot mess sometimes DAYS before we go.  If I know we have to go to Lowes this weekend to get something, I think about it for days, and work myself into this panic.  Then I get there and I’m on autopilot waiting for the ok that we’ve done what we had to and we can go, and once we are done at checkout, and don’t HAVE to be there, I could literally walk around the entire store.  Stupid.  He’s calm cucumber through all this.  We are totally made for each other.

I’m getting closer to my point of this post…stay with me.

So, meeting with school people, Tuesday.  I have a full 5 days notice here…and not once was I anxious about it.  I know it’s a small church (no problem), it’s closed, we are meeting 1-3 people, not a huge crowd.  I’m thinking we’re going to talk for 5-10 minutes, get the packet and hit the road.  A psychic I am not.  For the last week, with the B deal we have been laying down for a few hours at night and closing our eyes.  Literally…we haven’t slept.  So, by Tuesday we’re both just a mess of tired.  J had her friend spend the night, so we have an extra in tow, which is good, it keeps J busy.

I’m going to tell the rest of this story as it happened, so you can experience what I was feeling (kinda).  People often don’t “get” what a panic attack is, yes, it’s in my head, but it’s very real.  We get up and I haven’t once had a bad feeling about this meeting so far.  I move around, and eat some late breakfast. I always eat before we head out, because I know I get jittery and feel “off” and I don’t want to have low blood sugar because it makes me more cranky and have more things to worry about – so eating helps curb that one bad thought pattern, I also go to the restroom before leaving the house because I hate public ones and it’s just something else that keeps me IN somewhere if I want to bolt. (Yes, it’s stupid) We head out at 12:45, to be there by 1.  I’m thinking in the car that I’m ok, there is no need to worry, nothing big is going on, say a prayer for calm. Park the car, and we head in the side door to find that there is a table, and another appointment going on, one lady comes out, says hi and says “we’re almost done, please have a seat and we’ll be right with you.”  OH CRAP, waiting, sitting to talk, I wanna go NOW, we’ll just say, we have something to get to and we were just coming by for information and we’ll call you later (Yes, I have lied to leave somewhere) We go to the vestibule and J and her friend sit on a bench and me and D sit on the other, it’s the one day so far this year that the heat index is 105, and the church is closed, and didn’t really leave the air on high, so it’s cooler, but HOT with the huge windows.  D is hot, I am hot…I am also now clenching my fists and fidgeting, both my pre-flight coping mechs.  I take a sip of water, which, I always have a drink (it distracts me, but with the bathroom thing I’m thinking it’s a dumb idea now).  D plays with his phone, J and her friend are laughing and being girls.  I’m not really listening. You know the sound of a muffled things when you are waking up or going to sleep…that’s what I’m hearing.  I just block things out instead of focusing on them, because listening to them makes me feel like telling everyone to stop making noise and CHILL OUT.  It’s really me that just needs to chill, so I block it.  I tell D, I’m not comfortable, and I wanna go.  He says “you’re fine” and holds my hand.  The lady comes out and says “we’re ready” (it’s been maybe 5 minute since we walked in).  J and her friend go waltzing in like it’s the J show, and D gets up, and I get up Stomach turning, eyes watering, heart racing and turn toward the big window and say “I can’t.” He says, “yes you can” and I look back and him with tears streaming and say “I can’t go in.”  Running seems like a good idea right now, straight out the door in front of me and to the car…not home, just OUT OF HERE.  Stop, pray, you’re in church. I’m about to have to sit and talk to people I don’t know, for God knows how long and I can’t just leave because I need this information, J is in there, these people are going to think I’m crazy.  Why am I crying?  I don’t cry? He can go in by himself and get the info while I regroup in the car.  D says “ok, just let me tell them it’ll be a minute.” I’m crying still, trying to stop, and figure out what my issue is. He returns, puts his hands on my shoulders from behind me and says “what can I do?”  I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!!!!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE? I tell him that I don’t know and that I don’t even know what my problem is.  He says to breathe and chill out, and that I’m ok.  I’m mad that I am crying, it’ll give me a headache and make me feel lightheaded, which adds to my biggest fear – fainting in public.  Why?  I picture people stepping over me looking down going “what the hell is her problem?” Totally unwarranted…yet still very much my thoughts.  Less than 1 minute has passed since my freak out, but to me it feels like 10 minutes.  I tell him that I need a tissue and then we’ll go in.  So I head to the bathroom and dry it up, and walk out, and he’s in the room sitting and saved me the chair by the door…my baby knows me.  At this point I don’t know if he’s told them, or if they just thought we were talking, or if they think I was on a phone call.  Knowing I look like I’ve been crying, I walk in, sit, and they are all nice and look at me and I just say “I’m sorry, I have an anxiety issue and had a small freak out…” Waiting for the WTF/she’s crazy looks…nothing.  One of them says “oh dear, are you ok? It’s fine, we understand.” Wow, nothing more?  No, really, this is a GREAT thing. I’ve told them my issue and now if I freak out again they’ll get it.  I then said if I have another moment I’ll handle it and be back and they should carry on.  We start the meeting, and maybe 2 times in the 15 minutes I thought “Oh crap, get me out,” but it passed quickly.  D is a talker…when we are in public it REALLY puts me on edge, this time it was fine.  We had the meeting, it went well, we were both very happy with the school, and J seems to be ok with it.  We’re still praying and waiting to be sure of things.



As for the freak out…I don’t know what it was.  I mentioned to a friend that maybe this school is where J needs to be and where we needed to be and Satan didn’t like it.  I’m very easy to attack in moments like those.  Yes, we were in a church, and yes, I prayed before, and during, and after, but when there is the opening for fear and things are as severe as they are with my panic I think it’s very possible.  I don’t know what that says about me, I feel that I am a strong Christian and I’m very close to God, and I know that those are the ones that are attacked the most because it’s a huge game to him.  Some might argue that Satan can’t be present in church, I’d agree, and no I don’t feel he is “in me,” but I do think that thoughts are placed to come up at the most opportune/worst times when he needs them to work the most.

Bottom line is, I made it.  I didn’t run, I didn’t bolt, I didn’t faint, didn’t make a fool of myself, I really don’t even think those ladies noticed.  I did close the meeting letting them know that if we had something like a meeting or something and they saw me hanging out acting weird, gimme a minute and I’d be just fine.  D has proven time and time again that he can fully handle my issues.  He is the perfect balance of letting me freak out and being supportive, and not letting me give up or knowing when I’ve had enough and need to be removed.  So, for the millionth time, I’m thankful for my amazing husband, and happy that he and God helped me prove to myself that I don’t have to bolt…every time.

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Seems like most of my posts have a hint of the message that everything happens for a reason.  Where we are, where we’ve been, where we are heading, whether we know it or not, like it or not, or accept it or not, it all happens for a reason.

On Father’s Day, I wanted to say something about Big Daddy and let the world know how amazing he is.  As I usually am at the beginning of a post I don’t know where to start, there’s just too much to say about him.  He’s important to so many people (and pets) that words just aren’t enough.

I’m in love.

Getting together as a couple with children of our own, from previous marriages, produces enough challenges on it’s own.  Add in ex’s, teenage years, children making new people and your first year of marriage and you qualify for sainthood.   I try to exude an air of confidence, pulled-togetherness, and overall calm happy…I fail miserably.  D on the other hand, does all of it and even gets me to buy it.  In our talks I recognize when he is stressed, and down, or having a rough time, but as the husband and father figure of this crew he has been more than I knew a man should be.  He has led, taught, loved, laughed, disciplined, and remained constant to who he presented himself to be when we got together.  I am proud and happy to have chosen him as my husband and as a parental figure to my/now our children.

J and D

Never too old to love on Daddy!

Even the dogs are daddy’s girls.

As a parent myself, I have not been, or ever claimed to be perfect.  Where my kids are in life is a direct result of decisions I’ve made.  However, where they are headed is a direct result of what a strong family, good parents and a good Christian man can lead his family to.   Raising children is never easy, and never goes exactly as planned.  Along the way there are people that aren’t who you thought they were, you are sometimes not who you need to be, children make decisions against everything you’ve instilled in them, yet still, we as parents are commanded to train up a child in the way he should go.  This cannot be achieved without parents and especially a father who is under the command of God.

Hard to talk back when he can pick you up like this.

On Father’s Day I want single out my children, who are truly ours, however I want D to know that I appreciate the man God put in my life and in the lives of my children.  I want to thank him for being who God wants him to be, and thereby being who I need him to be and who my children need him to be.   I’m proud that my children, of their own accord, call you Dad and Daddy!

Good pops let you pull their beard.

Her smile says it all!

I want to mention, as hard as it is, that sometimes life doesn’t go the way we want it to.  We lose people for periods of time, that should be with us, and we don’t understand why things happen.  As we are going on month 6 of no contact with D’s daughter, it’s hard to keep in mind that everything happens for a reason.  My heart breaks to know that he is such a wonderful father, yet his own child is not around to benefit from all he has to offer.  I sit here both happy that my daughter is off visiting her dad, and sad that I miss her for the month she is gone, yet I get to talk to her each day and she is coming back.   It’s both comforting to me that D has our other children, grandchildren and even an amazing nephew that all need him and want him to be a huge part of their lives.  We have talked about this and feel that part of our union was to prepare and help D through this phase of his relationship with B.  It’s just hard to remember that on days like today.

D and B

I love you with all of my heart, you are the best husband, father, brother, uncle and grandfather we could ever dream of.

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Disclaimer: The following is part of my “getting things out of my head and on paper” to help with what I’m going through.  Depression, anxiety and an overall feeling of not giving a crap are serious, they are more common than even I realized, and if you are in need of someone to talk to, or you find yourself unable to voice how you feel, please get help.  I am only sharing my thoughts and feelings and this is not meant as a “works for everyone” post.  I had no idea until I shared a prayer request with about 15 friends that anyone else felt like I do, or had felt it, or had been treated or was in treatment for it.  Out of 15 people I know, 12 of them separately responded with their own stories.  I was humbled, comforted and saddened that of these women I had no idea that this was a common issue.  I am sad for everyone who feels alone, and clueless and like no one understands.  Please speak up, and be heard, you are not alone.

After a rough month, I’m here, still breathing, still wondering what happened, and how to get past where I still am.  I’m not a whiner, but I am me, and I don’t like being “down” or unsure of myself.   I’m not even sure how I got to where I am.  Not talking about in life, but in looking into myself, it turns out where I am feeling wise, is a direct result of where I am life wise. Yes, I know that’s no epiphany and I haven’t discovered the new world, but when you are moving through life and trying to just “do” you often forget how it is you got to where you are until something makes you stop and recognize how well off…or not well off you truly are.

Two weeks ago I voiced to Big Daddy that I felt “blah.”  This was  the actual word I used.  I had no other description.  He had been dealing with me, making a few observations here and there about my “lack of giving a crap” or how I seemed like he was bugging me, or how I just seemed short with everyone.  I, of course, dismissed him and told him I was fine.  That’s always the answer you give…”hey, how are you?” “Fine, you?”  We never really answer that, because, as I’ve pointed out before “No one wants to hear your whining.”  After writing a post like that how am I supposed to be taken seriously if I’m whining about something I can’t even describe.  So, you just grin (or stew in your own miserableness) and bear it.  Until you can’t.

The fear of…fear? *facepalm*

I’ve mentioned before that I have anxiety, to the degree that it interferes with normal life, however I’ve learned to live with that, as uncomfortable as it is sometimes.  I’ve also recently learned that it makes other people way more uncomfortable than it makes me…but I’ll skip that for now.  Back to the story.  I had been feeling just off, like not me, no “joy,” struggling to get out of bed, or care about anything.  Conversations in the weeks leading up to my doctor visit last Monday went like this:

D – So what do you want for dinner?  Do you want to cook, or want me to make something?

Me – I don’t know.

D – Ok, well just tell me, I’m ok either way.

Me – (looking up from whatever I was mindlessly doing) I really don’t know, and I can’t make a decision.

I kid you not those exact words were my answer for everything.  Dinner, bed, what movie to watch, if we were going to go to the store, anything…it sucked.  I’m sure it sucked more for D.  So, after about 3 weeks of feeling like crud, I told D I needed to go to my doctor and get some help.   This was a huge step for me.  Some would think that I finally have realized how “bad off” I am (in reference to my anxiety), but in reality the huge step was admitting that I was unhappy.

You see, when you have been unhappy for years, you learn to pretend to be happy, and find the happiness around you.   I’ve mentioned how much I’ve changed over the years, from speaking my mind and not giving a crap, to eloquently expressing my disagreement with others and doing it with a loving, helpful heart, rather than a mean spirit.  What I didn’t realize was that in trying to see the good in life, as much as it sucked at the time, I’ve been taking on more than I could.  I’ve brought myself to this point.  In not expressing what is going through my mind, I’ve kept it only to myself.  By not wanting to put myself through the arguments/stress/pain of feeling what it is I don’t like, or don’t want to deal with from other people, I’ve taken it upon myself to stew about it, and push it to the back and just move on.  That’s how I deal (or don’t deal) with everything.  Move on.  It’s not going to help to cry, whine, be upset, yell, or anything else, so why do it?  Just move on.  Only it’s not that easy.  I take that back, it’s easy…it just comes back with a vengeance one day.  That day was last Monday.

We showed up at the doctor, I sat on the table and felt both relief and emotion finally about my state of mind.  I’ve never been “depressed” so I honestly had no clue what it felt like.  I can say now, after the last week, that I don’t think I was “depressed” – I think I was having a bad month and don’t know enough about how to handle things where I am now in life.  I’m not in the same place, relationship or mindset to deal with “life” as I have been previously.  I’ve always had no choice but to move on, so it would make sense that it’s my go to solution.  Only, I’m different now.  One and a half years with a good man will do that to a girl.  Back to the doc…more on Big Daddy’s amazingness (new word) in a moment.  So, on the table, I tell the doc that I think I’m depressed, I review my “odd” anxiety issues, spill my guts about mom, my divorce, moving, explain that I have no clue WHY I would be depressed since there is nothing major going on in my life and everything is pretty smooth sailing aside from normal daily crap.  I have no clue what my problem is, but I don’t give a crap about anything, and I’m snippy, and I don’t like to do anything I normally like to do.  He suggests exercise, therapy/counseling, and journaling.  I let him know that I’m game for all that, but I’m to the point (at that time) that I needed MORE help.  This is huge, Melissa doesn’t do medicine.  I don’t like pills, I chew them, can’t swallow them, prefer liquid, and prefer not to take medicine at all.  However, this is how bad I felt.  So, he decides on a good option that should help with the depression AND the anxiety.  We’re good to go…I feel better already, kinda.

We leave, head home to wait for J to get off the bus, and I do as I always do and start looking up the meds and side effects.  I know better, but I always do it anyways.  I’m allergic to 5 antibiotics and 2 other kinds of medicine, to the point that I’ve had to have epinephrine.  So, I always check things out.  Let me just say, when you are anxious…you should not do this.  It does nothing for your anxiety.  To be anxious to take anxiety medicine is both funny, and sad…more funny (but not when it’s you).  Ok, so as I’m sitting here looking at what all can happen to me (which is crazy since I take migraine medicine and one of the possible side effects is migraines – DOH!), I begin to tell D that I’m not sure I want to take the meds.  He tells me to stop it, and I’ll be fine, to which I start naming the things I’m reading and explaining that it’s not just ONE person with the same problem.  He then looks serious and says “so do you want to take the meds or not?  Are we going to get them or are you just going to sit here and read about it?”  Poor D, he had no idea that this was not the time for tough love…cut to me, on the couch, tears streaming, balled up, a hot mess.  I couldn’t answer (which is why we we’re in this place), I didn’t know, couldn’t decide, couldn’t even argue my point, it was bottom, rock bottom.  He came and held me, and for probably the third time since we’ve been married (in a year and a month) I cried…hard, sup-supping, runny nose, make-up running, can’t stop, crying.  I think he felt more bad than he did happy that I was actually letting something out.  It felt good, but then I had a headache and stuffy nose, and I was no further to figuring out what I wanted, so that pissed me off.  We’ve discussed, I’m not a cryer, which tells you more of where I was that day.  So, he held me till I couldn’t breathe due to the stuffy nose, we got up, he made the executive decision and we got the meds.

Monday night, took a pill – not too bad, went to sleep, slept like a baby (I hadn’t for weeks), woke up and felt like I had a hangover.

Tuesday – all day, dizzy – even sitting still, moving my eyes fast was an issue, no appetite, I ate applesauce, cheerios and soup, and I had to MAKE myself eat that.  I had no desire to eat anything, nothing sounded good, there was zero appetite (had I been trying to lose weight this drug would have done it).  I spent all of Tuesday in a ball on the couch, by Tuesday night, I could not walk myself to the restroom 10 steps away from the couch.  I also had 1 anxiety attack.  Slept like crap, woke up with my heart racing and noticed that I was asleep and normally I’d wake up freaking out, but I simply woke up enough to notice my heart racing and went back to sleep.  It was nice, however with the other side effects, it wasn’t worth it.

Wednesday – day 2 of the same, couldn’t move myself, couldn’t eat, couldn’t talk/didn’t want to because it took effort.  Slept off and on all day.  Not feeling like myself, not even feeling anything.  Dizzy – SO dizzy.  Feel more off than I did, but no anxiety, hell I didn’t have the energy to be anxious about anything.  Wednesday night D decided I should drop down dose and see if it was just too high…skipped Wed night dose.  Slept finally, woke myself up 3 times jerking my arm or leg around, had VERY vivid dreams, colors, conversations, smells – kinda cool, but not worth it.

Thursday – feel like eating finally!  Took the morning dose and we ventured out of the house but I was still dizzy and not feeling well and then the meds from the morning dose kicked in.  D got a call from the doc and was told that I needed to stay on the meds because “my reaction was totally normal.”  He disagreed and informed the nurse that I had not eaten and couldn’t get myself to the restroom…she then said “oh, that’s not normal.”  Duh.  I was advised to cut the dose (which we had already done).  On Thursday night I didn’t take the dose, we planned to call my normal doc and see what he had to say.

Friday morning – FINALLY, I can eat, go pee by myself, laugh, I even knitted (which made me dizzy, but it was nice to WANT to).  Doc called and wanted to switch me to another med.  I am not a fan of this. This is now a conversation D and I are disagreeing on because he thinks I still need something.

Let me say this – as far as my experience goes, you don’t realize how much you actually feel ok, until you feel like complete shit.  If the tagline/description of this medicine had read “Feeling down? Think your life sucks?  Want to know what uncomfortable is?  Boy, have we got a pill for you!”  I truly feel like I had no clue what miserable was until I took that medicine.  I know, you aren’t supposed to stop meds, change meds, everything works differently for everyone, etc, etc.  I am completely happy knowing that I tried something, I’m also more content knowing that I was healthy, and probably not happy, but I was healthy, and for 4 days felt like I was roadkill, and would have given anything to just walk myself to the kitchen and eat.  So, with that said, I think the meds worked.

I am not a painter (so I can’t paint a picture of how I feel now), but in one week, my attitude, and spirit have changed tremendously.   I never felt that I was depressed enough to need medicine all the time for depression, and I now know I wasn’t.  I may have been down, but I think we all get that way sometimes.  Some of us are more used to it, some of us shop, cry, talk, journal, fight, eat ice cream, shop…we all deal differently.

My deal – as I mentioned, was always to move on.  Unfortunately, as I mentioned, that won’t work anymore.  It’s impossible to move on when there is no where better to move to.  I am not the person I was when I came to NC.  I had been pushed to a place, through a previous relationship, life, and my own actions of how I don’t deal, where it was best to not deal, as it didn’t help anyways.  It was my own fault for being where I was, but it was the best way to keep happy and function, pretend.  It worked for a while, and I made it to where I am because of how I’ve handled life before D.  Each chapter in life deserves it’s own care and rules, and I have been living this chapter as I’ve lived the rest.  Only it’s not working anymore.

This weekend D and I had a 3 hour conversation about the meds, my anxiety, our lives together, our love, and our plan for the future.  Out of all the things I’ve felt in the last few weeks, the outcome has been that we are closer, more understanding of where the other is, and more resolved than ever to get me (and us) through this.  In trying to be a “good wife” I try to keep some things to myself, dealing with ex’s, kids, etc.  We talk, D knows everything about who’s saying what, but I tend to show my disdain for someone’s point of view and say how “stupid” it is and then just leave it.  He handles lots of things for me, because we both know how mad I get, and how in my quest to be grown up and not tell people off like I used to, I don’t want to be spouting off at the mouth, when I should just shut up and let people dig their own holes – which they always do. (That was a run-on sentence)  D has stepped up and taken on things that I would have normally handled alone, he’s been here to say “I’ve got this” – which is nice, and different.  It allows me to still stew, silently, or tell him what I think and saves me that “bad girl” image of replying to emails with “You suck, go screw yourself.”  (Only I’d say it much more colorful)

We’ve come up with these lessons from what’s going on.

  1. I would not be here, physically, in NC, if I didn’t have my anxiety issues.  We would not be together if I was not who I am, or who I’ve been for the last 8-9 years (it took years to get this good messed up).  We are both ecstatic that we are together, and no matter how crazy some things are, God has a plan, and so far, even when we had no clue what was going on, He did.  We’ve made it through 3 kids, a grandkid, moving, 2 ex’s (with custody issues), a new car, changing jobs, learning all about each other, and loving each other.  Had ANY of our circumstances or our personalities not been where they were, we would not be here.  My anxiety has been a curse, and the silver lining is that we have been given an entire year to get to know each other.  We have spent 24 hours together since we were married.  There is nothing I don’t know about him, and he knows all about me.  I know couples that couldn’t say that and they’ve been married for years.
  2. I am finally in a place in life (that is new to me) where I don’t have to pretend.  Life is good.  We are healthy, happy, cared for, financially sound (and getting better with hard work), we have great friends, family and above all I am more loved than I have ever been in my marriage.  I simply have not experienced this enough to know how to deal with feelings I’ve always had in life.  I’ve been down, and I would deal by focusing on something else and getting over it because I had to…I didn’t have the luxury of being “depressed.”  So, when the “honeymoon” endorphins have slacked off and we have settled in a year later to our life, it’s comforting and different, and I didn’t know how to deal.  How do you entertain yourself when there is nothing bad to focus on?  That is part of my problem, but it’s a good problem I think.

I still feel like there is something I can do, that I’m not, to help me move past upsetting feelings, but for me, medicine will not be one of them.  We are going to explore natural remedies, and counseling, and maybe just a better understanding that this is where I am in life, and there is a reason for everything.

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