Because I want to write more…my “draft” section holds nine, half written, barely started posts. So I’ve decided to blog about things I like to talk about, my marriage to D and something new I have wanted to try, a gratitude journal.
Whether you are married already or researching vows to use in your wedding, you’ve heard the old standby lines:
I, ______ , take you, ______, to be my husband/wife, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, (and obey,) till death us do part, according to God’s holy law.
Short of a few more personal “how I love thee” type statements and the ring exchange, that’s the gist of most vows. Like most people, I don’t really ponder those vows on a daily basis, or even a weekly one. Most of us think about what vows we want when planning a wedding, but once they are said, not much thought is given to them until you experience or are forced to live up to them. Even then, many people fail to understand and even have the desire to stand by the words that are what binds us to each other as spouses. These are the same words you longed to say to the person you chose to be with, the words that probably choked you up, brought a tear to your eyes, and the words that make your marriage your best bet to survive the good and bad of life.
I’m no saint here, I’ve said these vows more than once, the relevance and meaning at the time, for me, was no different. I meant them, no matter who was standing next to me, when I said them. Life, feelings, circumstances, and selfishness (you and your spouse) changes you, and lots of us don’t make it through that as graciously as we’d like to think we had. The difference is what you learn and how you grow through those things.
Big Daddy and I have almost been married for 2 years now (it has flown by, I can’t believe it), and through those 2 years we have experienced so many things that most people don’t ever have to deal with in a marriage. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all hardship, but the good times and loving family come at a price, and that price is job changes, anxiety, insomnia, health problems, ex’s, teenagers, grandkids, in laws, children with absent parents, being forced to be an absent parent, depression, normal growing pains of a new marriage, hurt feelings and overall tough times.
For us, it’s the harder parts of the vows have shaped our marriage into what it is, and what we wanted it to be. We are by no means rich, yet we have all we need. Shelter, food, medicines, entertainment, animals that we love (and love us), family, friends and a home. I wouldn’t say we are living the poorer – we are in the middle, but if you ask D we have been close a few times. He can’t stand to have a hard day/week with the bank account, and I have to remind him that “it’s been one day that we have a small balance…we get paid Friday.” He’s pretty funny sometimes about it, yet I am totally comfortable and happy knowing that just because we may not have money one week, we’ll be back on track next week. It’s also amazing to not feel the strain of fighting over money. Whether we have it or not, doesn’t change how we treat each other, it’s never been an issue.
D’s health led us to him working from home with me, not a bad trade in my book. We have been together 24/7 for almost 1.5 years now. Yes 24/7. Both of us have been told and heard “I couldn’t do that, how do you do that?” (I’m on FB chatting with a friend who just said “So you’re both home together all the time. Sounds terrifying to me”) We do it because it works, because it’s comfortable, and because why would you marry someone you didn’t want to be with all the time? When the kids are gone, when the power is out, when you’re sick, when you’re bitchy, when you’re lonely, mad, upset, when you’ve been anything other than “OK” who else do you want to be there with you? I want him.
It’s not just D’s health that troubles us at times. We both have our share of insomnia, anxious moments, migraines, moods, and life in general. Through all of these things we have learned more about how to lean on one another, care for one another, love one another, trust one another, and it has only served to strengthen our bond, which carries throughout every aspect of problem solving for us.
Coming to this marriage both divorced and both with children from previous marriages was something we both signed up for, but really, you can’t prepare for something like that. While dating we talked it out, we tried to prepare each other, and yet, the real thing is more annoying, trying, and hard to gracefully saunter through than one would hope. Yet through it all, neither of us has turned on the other because of a situation with an ex or the parent of one of our children. We are now and eternally, on each others side. If that were not the case, the court, jealous ex’s, custody, lies, “secrets,” ex’s that feel they know things your spouse doesn’t, and games in general would easily shoot down any shaky relationship or one that didn’t mean those vows.
Neither of us has experienced the level of love and security we have now. With us both being mid 30’s and having multiple marriages, that is a sad, yet accurate picture of many marriages and relationships out there. Not only should you mean what you say, but you should be sure that the person you are choosing to say it to means it also. There is no reason to enter into something as serious as marriage knowing that the feelings and promises do not hold as much truth to your other half as they do you.
We have made a choice not to make our marriage harder than it has to be. With so many outside influences and “drama” already being thrown at us, we had a choice to make. I am proud and thankful that we have chosen to enjoy each other and to have the marriage we’ve always wanted regardless of what comes our way.