I get lots of daily devotion type emails/articles, and this one came the other day (at a good time). Read it and then come back, or read this then go read it…don’t worry it opens in a new tab when you click it, you’re welcome.
Joyce Meyer Ministries — Two Are Better than One
I will agree that it sounds like a good idea to agree…but it’s not easy. Lucky for me us, she doesn’t say (nor does God) that we have to agree, we should try to disagree peacefully and with an open mind though. Case in point, and I’ll use me and Big Daddy as an example, there have been, on more than one occasion, times where we did not agree (shocker, I know). During these times, he likes to use the phrase “agree to disagree” and I can’t stand it and he sort of pushes the idea on me, ever so nicely.
I don’t agree to disagree, I think that you don’t like my point of view and you don’t feel like listening to what I have to say anymore and that you have not wrapped your mind around the rightness of my theory yet. I’ll agree to that. However that’s just too much to say so he agrees to disagree, tells me he loves me and that we are done talking…which just pisses me off more. Because it never fails that he’s not done talking and he waits about 30 seconds to 5 minutes and says “I just want you to know that I get what you are saying, but…” The BUT is usually where I stop him and say “if you said we are done talking about it, and you interrupted me, then you don’t get to keep talking, we are done.” This brings up either him saying “well wait,” and me getting more mad or him getting mad because I called him on it. It’s become a common dialogue. Because when we disagree (which is not the norm), we do it very adamantly or “passionately,” as he puts it. We also agree very often and say it totally differently (I’m blogging on that topic next), which makes it a very heated disagreement because we don’t listen to what the other is saying. So, we aren’t a perfect couple…we are however, very in love and respect each other enough not to blow the marriage over differences of opinion.
Now, Joyce brings up a point I really hadn’t totally taken into consideration. We are different for a reason. I mean, I’ve thought about it in other instances of our marriage.
- Boy/girl
- Physically strong/less strong
- Only shaves on days I/clean the sink
- Loves to kiss and snuggle/love to kiss and snuggle (SCORE! – I’m just bragging on that one)
- Can say he is wrong/isn’t ever wrong (kidding, I’m wrong once in a while)
- Cooks breakfast/cooks dinner
- Likes Metal, Rock, Loud annoying…/likes top 40, rap, 80’s, Celine Dion etc.
- Wants to live in the Arctic (and keeps the house at that temperature)/would use a fireplace year round
- Sleeps better in silent darkness/needs the tv
- Cleans without being asked/has never not cleaned this much in her life
- Pushes me to listen when I don’t want to/tells him when I don’t think he’s right
- Pepper (LOTS)/Salt
As you can see, we are very different, and those are all true, but meant to be funny and show how two very different people can still be right for each other.
Back to Joyce, she encourages us to embrace that God puts two people in a marriage (if it is truly ordained by God) to uplift and support, to challenge and help one another to grow, it’s not always smooth sailing and roses. Sometimes growth entails hearing that there are other options or other possible paths than the one you think is right or would normally take. Joyce says:
Many wars are started in our homes over unimportant issues that don’t matter, such as whether to turn left or right out of the neighborhood when both streets go to the same store. If you want to have power in your marriage and in your prayer life, then you have to get along. You can learn how to “disagree agreeably” without causing strife.
Healthy marriages are not comprised of two people that think, act, speak, dream, love, argue, clean, live, sleep, and mirror each other. Healthy marriages are those that challenge each partner to be more than they are, learn something new, admit there may be a teeny, itty, bitty, small chance to do something a little more effectively than previously thought of, or a different way to deal with a certain issue.
The Jerry McGuire writers had it all wrong, no one should “complete” anyone. If they do, you’ve got more issues than I can cover in this paragraph. God puts us together to compliment each other, not complete each other. I hate hearing that “marriage is 50/50,” or “two halves make a whole” – that just screams underachiever when you’re referring to marriage.
Two halves make one whole person, my good and bad half, his clean and messy half, my wrong and wronger half, his goofy and serious halves, those are halves that make a whole person. You cannot put two halves of two different people into a marriage and expect to have a complete marriage.
When you add two WHOLE people in a marriage, you have so much more to work with, much more to balance the differences and much more opportunity to appreciate what it is you are lacking on your own side.
I am learning, through our disagreements, that Big Daddy was given to me to make me shut up and listen, and to point out that I don’t know it all, despite how well I’ve done up until meeting up with him again.
I hope/think he is learning that even though it comes across as “forceful opinions” I do really have his best interest in mind when I tell him I don’t agree, or he’s not dealing with something correctly, or that I think he’s not on the right path with his take on something.
I hate seeing him upset, overwhelmed, frustrated, unable to concentrate, sleep etc. I try to let him know that his way of seeing things isn’t always on par with what I see and that there is another option. It isn’t always received well, but I’m in no position to balk at that when I can’t say I’m sorry.
Hopefully we’ll learn further that disagreeing doesn’t mean one of us is wrong, but that we both are right to not cave to the other persons thoughts just so we don’t fight. I’d hate him to not get to be himself, and I’d really hate not getting to voice my opinion just so we don’t create a ripple.
~Mel
I have to comment…
I am in total agreement with all of the above. We are both very passionate people with similar but very different backgrounds. We come from polar opposite directions when dealing with certain things in life. I tend to beat any given situation into submission (note the TAP OUT shirt in pic), where as my beautiful wife sees all the facets and analyzes the situation as a whole. My life has been very “black/white, right/wrong” with very little gray area. She is helping me see that being the crusader of all that is good and right is not always my job. What can I say, the old cop mentality dies hard and slow.
I learn from her every day, and I see the changes in her that our marriage has brought about. Isn’t that the point of marriage? Learning and growing as individuals and together as a couple is the reason God gave us marriage. When ya do it right, by the biblical outline, marriage is the closest to heaven you will ever come to on earth.
love ya Beautiful
oh my, your seams are showing!! My sister had the perfect marriage. They never fought. He brought her flowers and jewlery for no reason. He hired a maid to clean her house every two weeks. Notice I said had. One day, 25 years into this perfect marriage, she intercepted a text from someone else to her husband. A very explicit intimate text. She confronted him and her perfect husband said she would have to adjust, so she showed him the door. My husband fights with me constantly. He never brings flowers for no reason and he has never bought me jewlery at all. He balks at hiring a maid, although I do. But these past two years he has fought through cancer with me, taken care of me and loved me, even as I morphed before his eyes into bald, fat and lopsided. Now I have a little grey hair, not much, and the doctors are working on getting my thyroid straightened out so I can lose the chemo wieight, and on 3-29 I am going in for reconstruction surgery, so by the end of this year, I will not be lopsided. Faithfulness is an underrated quality. Thank you, Gary for being faithful.
Big Daddy always gets me flowers, because he knows I truly enjoy them. It’s not a requirement or a penance for anything he’s done wrong, it’s because he likes to see me happy.
I think it’s whatever works for you. Each of us is different, what work for me wouldn’t work for you, and each of our husbands respectively. I don’t think all marriages have to follow the same exact plan, but there needs to be the same moral foundations and ultimately spiritual foundations.
I agree that Faithfulness is required, expected and very underrated. There’s much you can do “to” me that I will put up with if you are faithful and otherwise good…if you are not, don’t let the door hit you in the ass.
If I told Mel she would have to adjust, it’d be right before her purple baseball bat smacked me in the head………. numerous times……..
I’d adjust a recipe just for you that night.
This quote came to mind after reading your post.
“What’s difficult in life is to stay centered when somebody does or says something that tempts us to close our hearts because their heart was closed. That is hard. But that is also how we grow. We go through those circumstances in order to evolve into people who can hold to our loving center no matter what the world throws us“. By Marianne Williamson
Love the “Goofy D” pose. 🙂 You look happy and in love.
May God continue to bless to you. Thanks for sharing.
Love that quote! It’s very hard to stay open minded/hearted in that instance.
I am happy that D is able to do it with me and I’m learning to return the favor.
After 17 years and still plugging away, I can admit that I’ve learned to say I’m sorry. I’m amazed that you too have a problem saying you are sorry, but consider that it is probably part of our stubborn upbringing.
I think that you have come into this marriage with such insight and history that both you and D are moldable. Not by each other but by the higher power that led you into each others arms and continues to lead you forward.
I could have so much to say, but more than that, consider saying “I’m sorry” once in an while when necessary. It opens up a whole new world that your marriage can step in to.
I don’t know that I’ve experienced that much growth yet…we’ll keep working on that.
Why is it so hard? I joke that I don’t have to say it because I’m always right (which is mostly true)…but it physically hurts to say it. Do they make Hallmark Cards/postcards/stickers that I can just carry around and give to him?
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I really like this post. It gives more meaning to disagreement. If I remember that we should disagree because we are two different people and that is a good thing, I can be more tolerant of the process. I think we get worked up when somone doesn’t agree with us, especially our spouse. We fear that something is wrong. Nothing is wrong. It is as it should be for wisdom and growth. Thanks for that.
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