This week our Marriage Works (click for all couples) couple is my husband and I! I LOVE reading other blogs, for fun, information, relationship stuff, mom stuff, kid stuff, and all kinds of other things. We were lucky enough to be chosen by Dr. Psyche Mom for a fun post about our marriage! So as the title says…here’s a look into how our marriage works.
I’ve included the post here just as she wrote it because there have been some comments that her link up wasn’t working! You can read the full text below, or visit her page at http://www.drpsychmom.com/2014/10/31/functional-couple-friday/
Here we are! (Her comments are in red AFTER our answers)
Today we have Melissa and David, both 38. They are Christian and believe in a model of marriage where the husband is the head of the household and the wife supports his decisions, although she does seem to get her say, privately, which influences him. They also have a blended family, and are co-sleeping with a new baby. And they met in junior high! Lots of interesting stuff here, dear readers. So, let’s meet them now!
1. How, when, and where did you meet and what is the first thing you thought about your partner when you met?
Melissa: We met in 6th grade when we attended the same Christian private school, he left in 8th grade and we didn’t talk again for 20 years. We were in the same grade, so it was the same class of about 24 kids. I was absolutely oblivious to boys at that age but we all knew each other pretty well and I remember him being tall, much taller than me (he still is), and I remember his gorgeous eyes and blonde “flippy” hair. The kind you keep leaning your head to the side and getting out of your eye. I also remember him being told it was too long since it was over his eyebrows, and him being like “whatever.” He thinks I don’t remember that much about him, because I wasn’t interested, but I remember lots:)
David: We went to school with one another for three years (middle school) then reconnected via FB/text/phone calls. I thought she was out of my league back in 6th grade! Cheerleader in a private school, and hanging with the “IN” crowd. The second time when we actually met as adults isn’t fit to be published! I will tone it down and say I was stuck with her beauty, absolutely amazed that she wanted me! Those 6th grade feelings were still there I guess. Then the lustful wanting to tear her clothes off and defile her thoughts came into the picture…they’re still there.
Again, guys who think they landed a girl out of their league are usually more happily married. Very cute meeting story!
2. What is your favorite physical feature of your partner?
Melissa: Hey! No, um…seriously. He’s tall, and hot, and he’s got great eyes, and his beard…oh, the beard. He’s got meat on him, which is really great, because he’s not breakable. Oh, and his hands, yes, please. You said one. My favorite feature is him?
David: Sexually, her butt without doubt, however I get lost in her eyes. It’s a bit of a draw!
Love couples who can’t keep their hands off each other and know how to express that to each other.
3. What is your favorite personality trait of your partner?
Melissa: He’s got amazing self control (which he often uses with me).
David: She is extremely loving and a caretaker. It doesn’t matter if it is me, one of the kids or my parents.
Women do like men who have self-control, because they are stable and safe. And everyone likes loving and nurturing partners!
4. What is something your partner does nearly every day that makes you happy?
Melissa: She shows respect for me as her husband and the head of the household. She backs my play in public even if I’m wrong. Then we discuss in private, not arguing for the world to see.
David: He takes care of, loves and pays attention to our girls (16.5 and 1 year next weekend).
Even though they have this head of household thing going that doesn’t apply to everyone, I do think they are right that both partners should back the other in public, and then discuss in private, if possible. And women love men who love their kids!
5. What is the nicest thing your partner ever did for you, in your whole relationship? Describe in 2-3 sentences.
Melissa: There are too many to list. Two stand out. First, we are a blended family. He has raised my children as his own and jumped in with both feet with teenagers, which was NOT easy. Second, We had a very surprise pregnancy and I was not a happy pregnant woman. I was miserable, tired, not fun to be around, and overall just blah. He was a saint. Waited on me when I was in pain, loved me even though I was mean or whiny, and did everything possible to keep me healthy and happy. Aww very nice.
David: She carried and gave birth to my baby girl! Neither of us wanted more kids but God had other plans.
Well she didn’t have much of a choice but it’s still nice that he considers it the nicest thing!
9. List the top five best qualities of your spouse: physical, emotional, mental, anything.
Melissa: He’s a Christian. He can stay calm when the crap hits the fan and when I’m losing my mind. He’s awesome at rubdowns. He’s a caring and loving leader/husband. He’s an amazing kisser:)
David: She’s emotionally strong (more so than myself actually), She’s smart, strong willed, confident in who she is as a person, and a great mother.
Very nice. It seems that even if David is the “leader,” he still wants a confident and strong willed wife. I love couples who bring new dynamics to the table so we can learn about them and not see them as two dimensional; e.g., assume that a Christian “head of household” would prefer a passive woman.
10. What are the top five things you and your partner have in common? Values, interests, goals, etc.
Melissa: We both agree on our beliefs – to a “T”. We both value health (mental and physical) over material things. We’re like minded with work. We love our kids. We have the same sense of humor – aside from the stupid movies I like.
David: We share religious beliefs, core values, political views, opinions on finances, and parenting.
They truly seem on the same page.
11. Have you ever been in couples counseling. Why? Did it help?
Melissa: We have been to counseling separately, but attended together. As in, he went to help with issues with his daughter, and I went for support to him. I went for help with anxiety during a custody hearing, and he was there to support me. It wasn’t couples counseling, but we found ways to help each other or get things out that weren’t being said. I think so for the issues at hand.
David: Yes, about her anxiety and the issues it caused in the relationship. No it didn’t help, but our communication got better after talking about how useless the counseling was! So I guess it did help actually…
I have a suspicion that one partner usually gets more out of counseling than the other, so this is probably normal.
12. How often do you hug? Kiss? Have sex?
Melissa: I was going to say “oh, at least a few times a day,” but thinking about it, we don’t. We need to (hint, hint – I’m sure you won’t mind). We kiss before bed (at least a peck) and usually if one of us leaves the room for a while (like to take a nap), or if leaving the house. Totally not enough sex. With a baby under 1, IN OUR BED (we’re about to move), and life, and every other excuse in the book…I’m embarrassed to even guess. I’m sure he’s got a count going.
David: Hugs- Daily Kiss- almost always on a daily basis but the baby, health and sleep schedules have gotten in the way a bit. Sex- anywhere from weeks to months for the last couple of years. It’s an issue, but again health issues and baby are to blame not lack of passion.
13. Which of you has a higher sex drive and how do you deal with any differences in sex drive between the two of you?
Melissa: We were well matched at first, for a good year and a half I don’t think we slept or ate. After 4.5 years of marriage, he’s definitely got the higher drive now, I have the drive, but I have the tired too. Not that he’s not tired, but we joke that he’d be down even if he lost an arm and a leg. We’re trying, I’m happy that our marriage is strong enough to withstand a rough patch, whether that’s health, or money, or sex.
David: My sex drive is MUCH higher! I could and would have sex with broken limbs (and actually have). We don’t deal with it. My health is better, but we co sleep with the baby, so we’re at a dead end for now.
I would have sex with broken limbs over sex when you haven’t been sleeping because you have a nursing newborn. Kids, they really change your priorities.
14. How long did you wait to have sex? Are you glad you had sex for the first time when you did?
Melissa: We got engaged after 3 months of dating long distance, and married 2 days after we got engaged. We waited long enough to have sex. Yes!
David: We got married within a month and a half of my first visit with her, you do the math! Yes I’m glad! It solidified our feelings and showed how compatible we were.
Wow, a two day engagement! Guess you saved on a wedding planner.
15. What is the number one issue you fight about, and are you working on resolving it? How?
Melissa: There is not one issue, we don’t fight that often. I wouldn’t even call it a fight, it’s more like a deep discussion, but each time the discussion turns to my responses to him. It’s the typical Love and Respect cycle. I am not good with the “I’m wrong” “I’m sorry” deal and that doesn’t go over well with him. He’s working on me lol.
David: We don’t fight usually but when we do it’s because she REFUSES to apologize or admit when she is wrong. I’m working on her, but it’ll take time. It’s only been a few years. You can’t change someone overnight.
Really on the same page here as well. I like how she calls the fights “deep discussions.” There is usually one partner who calls fights “deep discussions” and one who calls them fights.
16. What are the top three stressors in your lives?
Me – His health, work, need good sleep
Him – Health, money/work, life (ex’s/custody drama)
David: My health, the Ex situation (mine and hers are both insane, suck as parents, and are horrible human beings), and finances.
17. What is one thing that you’re looking forward to as a couple?
Melissa: We’re moving into a bigger place. We both think that’s going to help tremendously with not being on top of each other at home.
David: Growing old together and looking back at a wonderful committed faithful marriage!
Very nice. Congrats on the new place.
18. Fill this in: I am glad I married my partner because:
Melissa: If I hadn’t we would not have our child together and my life (and that of my older kids) has vastly improved, we needed him. (one sentence) A long, run-on sentence?
David: She believes in me.
Men love to have a partner believe in them. And it is good for a man to also feel appreciated and valued, which she does in her sentence about him.
19. Give me one secret thought that you’ve never told your partner. Something you think about them, about the relationship, about yourself, anything.
Melissa: I pray a lot, and he knows that. When I’m trying to or can’t fall asleep (which is usually every night, or in the middle of the night) I pray specifically for him and it calms me.
David: I don’t deserve her and I know it. I’m reminded of it when she takes care of me, handles responsibilities that I can’t handle, and when I think about my past. She never signed on for everything we have had to deal with.
Thanks for playing, guys. My first one in a while where both gave me an answer for this question! And the answers are very sweet too.
Well, this was fun, and I feel like I know the inner workings of a Christian [insert name for their specific type of dynamic here... traditional?] marriage. Thanks for writing in and being so open and candid! You sound like you have a long and happy marriage ahead of you here.
If you have a burning desire to be profiled in this column, write in here. And until we meet again, I remain, the Blogapist Who Thinks I Will Start Calling My Husband The “Leader” And See If He Drops Dead of Shock.
We really enjoyed doing this and it was so cool to get to read each other’s answers for the first time when it was published. We answered separately and didn’t discuss until the post came out. Judging by the answers, we are totally on the same page and meant for each other!